Why Smart Women Still Struggle With Money (And What Actually Changes That)

For many women, money stress does not come from irresponsibility or lack of ambition. It comes from doing exactly what they were told to do. Getting the degree. Working hard. Being reliable. Saying yes more than no. And still feeling uneasy every time the bank app opens.

This tension is at the center of a recent episode of the So She Slays Podcast, where financial advisor Hilary Hendershott joins the conversation to unpack why money feels so complicated for so many capable women and why the issue is rarely discipline or intelligence.

What stands out immediately is how familiar the experience feels. Many women know what they are supposed to do with money. Save more. Spend less. Plan ahead. Yet knowing and doing are not the same thing. Personal finance is often framed as a knowledge problem, when in reality it is a behavioral one.

Money decisions are shaped by emotion, habit, and experience. Long before anyone opens a checking account or earns a paycheck, they absorb messages about what money means. Maybe it was hearing that money does not grow on trees. Maybe it was watching parents argue about bills. Maybe it was learning that spending signaled success or safety. Those messages do not disappear with adulthood. They quietly influence how safe money feels later in life.

For many women, money becomes loaded with meaning. It can represent freedom, power, approval, or fear. That is why two people with similar incomes and education can have very different relationships with money. One feels calm and grounded. The other feels constantly behind, even when things look fine on paper.

Money Is Emotional Before It Is Logical

One of the most important reframes in this conversation is that struggling with money does not mean you are bad at math. Personal finance is not advanced calculus. It is basic arithmetic. The challenge comes before the numbers ever enter the equation.

Money behavior is driven by psychology. If you believe there is never enough money, having money can actually feel uncomfortable. The brain looks for ways to resolve that discomfort, and spending becomes a fast solution. This is why money can feel like it disappears quickly, even for people who earn well.

Overspending is often misunderstood as recklessness, but more often it is emotional regulation. Spending can create a temporary sense of control, relief, or status. It is not about wanting more things. It is about wanting to feel safe or powerful, even for a moment.

This is also why shame is so unhelpful in money conversations. Shame does not change behavior. It reinforces it. When women feel judged or broken around money, they are less likely to look closely at their patterns and more likely to avoid them altogether.

In recent years, many women have been encouraged to fix money stress with mindset alone. Think positive thoughts. Repeat affirmations. Manifest abundance. While mindset does matter, this approach often falls short when it is not paired with action. Positive thinking without structural change can leave people feeling frustrated and gaslit when nothing improves.

Real progress happens when mindset shifts are supported by systems.

Why Systems Matter More Than Willpower

Traditional budgeting relies heavily on willpower. Track every dollar. Monitor every category. Stay vigilant all the time. For many people, that level of attention is unsustainable. One unexpected expense or busy week can derail the entire process, leading to frustration and burnout.

An alternative approach focuses on automation. Instead of tracking money after it is spent, money is intentionally routed from the start. Separate accounts for spending, saving, and future goals reduce decision fatigue. The system answers questions before they become stressful.

Automation removes the need to negotiate with yourself constantly. It creates consistency without requiring daily discipline. When money is organized this way, people often feel calmer and more in control, even if their income has not changed.

This reframing also changes how discipline is viewed. Discipline is often associated with restriction, but in reality it is a form of self trust. It is the choice to tolerate short term discomfort in exchange for long term freedom. As Hilary points out in the episode, there are two kinds of pain. The pain of discipline, or the disappointment of regret.

That idea resonates deeply with women who are tired of feeling like money dictates their choices. Financial freedom is not about living small or never enjoying life. It is about alignment. It is about knowing that your financial habits support the life you want, not just the life you are reacting to.

Another powerful theme in the conversation is decision. Not hoping things will change. Not planning someday. But deciding. Deciding to build wealth. Deciding to change behavior. Deciding that financial stability matters enough to act differently.

Decisions change behavior. Behavior changes outcomes.

This article only touches part of what was discussed. In the full episode, the conversation goes deeper into why money can feel unsafe even when you earn well, how emotional patterns show up in spending, and what it really means to take control of your financial future without shame.

If money has felt confusing, emotional, or overwhelming, this episode offers clarity without judgment and action without pressure. You can listen to the full episode of the So She Slays Podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts to hear the complete conversation and explore everything that could not fit here.