How to Raise Emotionally Intelligent Kids (Without Losing Yourself in the Process)

Emotional intelligence starts with you, especially when you're the one holding everyone else together.

There’s a moment that happens more often than we’d like to admit. You say “I’m fine” with a smile, maybe even throw in a joke to keep things light but the people closest to you know something’s off. Your kids feel it. Your partner hears it. Your friends sense it.

The truth is, we can only fake emotional wellness for so long before it starts showing up in our tone, our body language, and the way we move through our day. And if you’re someone who’s constantly holding space for others, whether you're a parent, a partner, or just the one everyone leans on this emotional disconnect doesn’t just impact you. It teaches the people around you what not to say, what not to feel, and how to silently carry things that should’ve been shared.

That’s why building emotional intelligence in kids doesn’t start with a parenting book or a perfectly worded lecture, it starts with you.

And no, it doesn’t require you to be perfect. In fact, that’s the biggest myth of all.

Most of us didn’t grow up with a blueprint for emotional literacy. We learned how to survive, not how to check in with ourselves. We were praised for being strong, not for being self-aware. So now, as adults, we’re doing something incredibly hard: raising emotionally intelligent kids while learning how to reconnect with ourselves in the process.

It’s messy. It’s uncomfortable. And it’s absolutely worth it.

Here’s what that might look like in real life:
You’re overwhelmed. The house is loud. Your phone won’t stop buzzing. The emotional weight of everyone else’s needs feels like it’s pressing in on all sides. In that moment, you have two options. You can power through, say nothing, do it all, and pretend you’re not about to burn out. Or you can pause. Take a breath. And say, “This isn’t working for me right now.”

That one sentence? That’s emotional literacy in action. It’s not about pushing people away. It’s about choosing honesty over resentment. Boundaries over burnout. Connection over performance.

When we start to name what we need, even in small ways, we’re modeling something our kids desperately need to see: that emotional regulation isn’t about perfection, it’s about awareness. We show them that it’s okay to ask for help. That they’re allowed to rest. That strength doesn’t mean silence.

And yes, it’s hard. Especially if you’re the “emotionally mature one” in the room. The one who keeps it together while everyone else leans on you. But being emotionally mature doesn’t mean carrying the emotional labor for everyone. It means choosing clarity over chaos. It means knowing when to hold space and when to set a boundary.

You can say, “You’ve got five minutes to vent, and then I need to step away.”
You can say, “I love you, but I need time to reset.”
You can say, “I’m not available for this right now.”

And if someone pulls back because of that? That’s not a failure. That’s your boundary working.

Another powerful shift? Recognizing that emotional intelligence is a skill not a personality trait. It’s something we can build over time, like a muscle. And like any muscle, it gets stronger with practice. Whether it’s learning not to take things personally, unlearning emotional codependency, or simply giving yourself permission to need things it all counts. It all matters.

We tend to think of emotional intelligence as something to teach kids, but they’re learning from us long before we sit them down for a talk. They learn from the way we respond when we're tired, when we’re frustrated, when we’re stretched thin. They learn from whether we prioritize ourselves or silently self-abandon. And most importantly, they learn from whether we’re willing to grow out loud right in front of them.

If you’ve been feeling stretched, short-fused, or unseen lately, consider this your permission slip to take a breath. To ask yourself, What do I need right now? To say no without guilt. To stop pretending. To choose you.

Because the truth is: emotionally intelligent kids don’t come from perfect parents. They come from parents who are real. Who reflect. Who repair. Who mess up and talk about it. Who say, I’m working on it too.

That’s the legacy. That’s how we raise emotionally aware, emotionally safe, emotionally whole humans.

And that’s how we come home to ourselves in the process.

We talk about this subject and more with author and co founder of All It Takes, Lori Woodley-Langendorff on this episode of the So She Slays Podcast. Listen below or on all podcast streaming platforms.