Why Dating Feels Like a Second Job (it’s the culture but could it be you too?)

Modern dating is exhausting. Between the endless swiping, the casual “situationships,” and the disappearing acts, it’s easy to see why so many women are over it. The excitement is gone, replaced with frustration and fatigue. If you’ve ever thought dating feels more like a part-time job than a path to love, you’re not imagining things.

Relationship expert and magnetic matchmaker Spicy Mari gets it. She’s spent years helping women navigate the chaos of modern dating, and she’s not afraid to tell you why you’re burnt out—and how to shift your approach so you can actually find what you’re looking for.

One of the biggest reasons women give up too soon, she says, is because they think they’ve “seen it all” after a handful of bad experiences. Mari’s 20 Doors Theory flips that thinking:

“Too many women give up at Door 8 or Door 10, never realizing the right person might be waiting at Door 20.”

Imagine there are 20 doors between you and the relationship you want. Every date, every new person, every conversation is another door. The catch? You don’t know which one leads to the right match. It’s like a dream job—you wouldn’t quit the interview process halfway, so why do it in your love life?

Mari also sees another pattern, especially among high-achieving, independent women. They run their careers like pros, but when it comes to love, they hesitate to put in the same effort. And it’s understandable—love is supposed to feel romantic, not like work. But the skills that make you successful at work—communication, follow-through, adaptability—can also help you in dating. The key is knowing how to adjust your approach, leaning into your feminine energy, and learning how to connect in ways that feel authentic rather than transactional.

And no, finding the right person isn’t just about “putting it out into the universe.” You actually have to go where the kind of person you want might be. As Mari puts it,

“If you want a certain kind of partner, you have to go where that kind of person actually is.”

If you’re looking for someone philanthropic, spend time at charity events or volunteer programs. Want someone educated and career-driven? Show up at alumni mixers or industry networking events. And yes, she even suggests LinkedIn—send a message inviting someone for coffee and see what happens. If they’re married and respectful, they’ll decline. If they’re not, their lack of integrity will reveal itself quickly.

Part of dating with intention also means refusing to settle for crumbs. Too many of us stay in situations that aren’t aligned with our long-term goals because we don’t want to start over again. But every month spent with the wrong person is time you could be investing in the right one. Being clear about what you want and knowing when to walk away keeps you open to better matches.

At the end of the day, Mari says, love is about energy management. Just like you decide where to focus your energy at work, with friends, or in family relationships, you have to be deliberate about where you invest it romantically. If someone drains you more than they add to your life, they’re not a match—no matter how charming they seemed on the second date.

Dating in 2025 isn’t simple, but it doesn’t have to drain you. With the right mindset, clear standards, and a willingness to keep opening those metaphorical doors, you can still find a relationship that feels like home. And when you do, it will be worth every step.

Wanting some more insight listen to our full podcast episode or watch on the So She Slays YouTube channel.