Boundaries: Saying “No” for beginners
Author: Adia Faun Imara
“No is a complete sentence.” I heard this a few years ago as I began learning about self-prioritization. While it is a short sentence, the process behind getting there can be quite long.
Saying “no” can be scary for some. Why? There can be implications that you don’t care for that friend, or that you’re not committed to a project at work. Maybe you are lazy or not a team player. Saying no is not confirmation of any of that. The weight of fear of judgment may compel you to say yes to someone’s request.
Be gentle with yourself as you navigate the best way to protect your boundaries. Here are some tips for gaining control over your time:
1. Pep talk time:
Set boundaries with yourself. Remind yourself that you are deserving of space and your own time. Start giving yourself pep talks to reinforce that truth.
“I will only work until 6:30 pm.”
“My phone is off during vacation.”
“I only run errands on Thursdays.”
2. Prep the plan:
When it comes to work, saying no sometimes feels like it’s not an option. While it can be intimidating to say no to your colleagues, you have the right to guard your time
- When starting a new job, read the fine print, and add your own if needed. Get a clear understanding of the working hours, break times, holiday schedule, and PTO policies. Additionally, if you have a recurring appointment, or have discussed working remotely certain days a week, ask HR if this can be written into your contract or at least put on file with approval from your manager. Being able to point to company policy will prove helpful when being asked to work outside of those practices.
- Get everything in writing - In addition to leaving a paper trail for PTO requests, it’s important to document your official scope. When asked to perform duties outside of your assigned role, reiterate to your team what you are slated to do on projects. Your official job description will safeguard you from being asked to take on too many additional tasks or do too many “favors” for coworkers.
- Leave instructions with your OOO to avoid excessive communication. Your last assignment before vacay - leave instructions! Not only should you include the OOO dates in your email in the weeks leading up to your time away, but a phone tree of colleagues who will be filling in while you are away. Additionally, have a quick meeting about any outstanding tasks or upcoming assignments that fall on your days off. Getting clear on who does what, which documents are saved where, etc… Your phone is on Do Not Disturb!
3. Put into practice
*Deep breath in, deep breath out* Now, time to put your plan into action. Try not to feel uneasy, you’re drawing a line in the sand for a reason.
Remember a few key “don’ts” as you’re being asked for favors:
- Don’t be rushed. Take a beat before giving your answer. You might need a minute to asses your own schedule, your workload, your energy. “Let me get back to you about that..”
- Don’t feel bad for not wanting to do something that made you uncomfortable in the past. Honor your gut. If something has left you with an icky feeling, you don’t need to participate again.
- Don’t over-explain. Period.
Here are some do’s:
- Restate your time boundary before you’ve begun the task: “I will sort these files until 6:30 pm, I have a hard stop.” No further explanation is needed.
- Build-in buffer time: for travel, for eating, for rest.
When someone is asking you to do something that you don’t want to do, how do you respond gracefully? Try these phrases:
- “Thank you for inviting me, but, I can’t make it.”
- “Now isn’t the best time.”
- “I’m not available”
- “Not right now.”
- “No.”
Okay. Feel a bit better about it all now? While it can be daunting, setting boundaries is an important part of creating balance in your life. Listen to yourself, practice using your voice, and the confidence will build in time.