LIFE IN MY OWN LANE

Being a kid in school and hearing your teacher yell out "eyes on your own paper" during a test is something we all knew. The last thing anyone wanted was to get caught cheating or be thought of as someone who cheats; it always seemed like the worst possible shame. This phrase that once warned myself and others from any scholar faux pas was something I still remember, and after being out of the classroom for many years, I've been able to understand why it is so important.

Eyes on your paper is just a more specific and kinder way of saying "focus on your shit," and it took a long time for that to sink in for me. I know that I shouldn't be watching others, checking to see what they’re doing, and I know I shouldn't compare myself, but I still do it, and being in the music industry can be a very tricky thing to let go of. The music industry's ways have been built on specific formulas, the ones in the business know what and why certain things work to generate income. It is constantly being redone in a reimagined, rebranded way. As an artist, my goal was to create things that made me happy, hope people liked them, get paid, and do it all over again. My belief system was that if I enjoyed it, others would too and it would just somehow generate income for me so I could live the life of my dreams.

At the beginning of my career, all of these things seemed possible; I was living in the small town where I grew up, I had a support system, and I had a talent that most didn't. I was singing songs that I wrote how I imagined them being, and it didn't matter what anyone was saying because things looked like they were working out for me, and they were. I knew I could only grow if I moved to the city, so that's what I did. At this point, I understood that I was talented and could write and sing a song and play guitar, but I wanted to get to the next level; I wanted to be able to support myself with my art. However, by making this distinction I unknowingly took something I loved and turned it into something that confused me and disconnected me from the reason I create in the first place. After some minor open mic successes in my new home of Toronto, I decided that what I needed to do to "make it" as an artist was to submit to the world of the music business. At the time, I didn't see the music and the business of music as two completely different things, but they are.

My ideal life was to make music, perform all over the world, make lots of money, be famous, and buy whatever I want. I knew and still know my talents can get me there, but the core of what I thought I wanted has since changed.

When I decided to go after money in the place of art, I ran into a whole host of problems. After being in the Toronto music scene for a little while, I started to see people around me achieving and getting what I wanted...." Oh, did you hear about so and so? They're totally blowing up now" - a phrase I would listen to often, "They did this and this and didn't sleep for weeks to finish it, and then they went and had a meeting with this person who loved it, and now they're going on tour with blah blah blah." I was constantly being bombarded with these stories, I felt inferior, and I felt lost on my own path. Hearing the struggles and the trials and tribulations of other artists and having those things "pay off" for them made me cringe.

In my heart I just wanted to do things on my own time, I didn't want to talk and schmooze with people who made me feel uncomfortable or whose opinions I didn't respect, I liked to sleep and see my friends but I felt like I had to dedicate myself strictly to music if I wanted to get where I wanted to go. The jealousy I would feel when hearing of other successes started to eat at me. I couldn't be happy for myself so how could I ever think to be happy for another? All around me, I watched artists achieve, even if they didn't know that's what was happening; it's all I saw, and for me, nothing. I frequently held my pity parties and complained to anyone who would listen. Falling more and more desperate, before I knew it I was trying to mimic what others had done before me, myself and my team were watching specific artists and seeing what they were doing and seeing if it worked for them, and then we would try and do it too. Sometimes it worked, sometimes we got the views and the meetings, but for some reason, they never turned into anything tangible. This game we played was disheartening and went on for a very long time.

I was terribly confused; how could I be so talented and have all the same access as most people yet feel as though doors were only closing for me. My lack of mentality was like a slow killing poison, and beyond myself, my music suffered most. I became so desperate to be seen and validated by the industry, I felt like without it, I didn't matter. Before moving to the city, I had made music strictly from the artistic standpoint of my heart. Things felt easier then, and now that I was in the position of trying to actually get something out of my creation, I was struggling. I had watered down most of my uniqueness to fit into what I thought the industry wanted, only I could never fully commit to that new reformed false version of myself. This in-between line I straddled was very visible to everyone but me. I thought I was fooling everyone, I thought I was being exactly what they wanted, which meant I would get what I wanted, and then we would all win. I was doing a half-assed job at playing a role and my true self couldn't hide, the more I tried to run away from who I am as an artist the angrier and more disoriented I got.

The focus I put onto everything else outside of myself was stealing all of my energy and causing me to withdraw and shut down. I became very unproductive and resistant, stubborn, and inflexible. I didn't know what I wanted to do but I knew what I didn't want to do, and that mostly had nothing to do with music. Feeling completely alienated from my own dream and having the things I had tried no longer working for me I was left with only one choice, evolve or continue to suffer. I had to go in.

I had to stop and look into myself and allow my true essence, my true creativity to flow once more. By focusing on everyone else around me I had fallen out of alignment with my own heart, my truth. My truth is my light and without it I can't see my path. I understand and appreciate the awareness that getting lost has brought me but I'm more excited about the lust for my life and art my truth has given me.

What others do that works for them might not be for me, and that's something I'm learning to accept more and more with each passing day. I must allow the joy in following my truth to lead my life journey and I know I can only do that when I focus on my own shit and keep my eyes on my own paper.