Mental Breakdown and the Beautiful Recovery
New beginnings often made me feel that the ending was soon to be doomed. I regularly self-sabotaged my relationships with men and I never, ever set any boundaries. I was a notorious, mental basket case, who did not trust anyone with my emotions nor with my body. Always ever the sarcastic one- I borderlined rude and yet I was always LAUGHING! To my peers, I was always cheerful, silly, slightly intimidating and yet I always felt inadequate and low. Every man I had ever been in an intimate relationship had always cheated, gotten other women pregnant and always wound up married with children.
Just a bit of a back story on me. I grew up with a single, Jamaican father who did the best he could raising me and my brother as a widower (my Haitian mother died when I was 12 years old in a tragic car accident in 1999). Dad afforded me with the best life a girl could ever have and til this day, I am forever grateful for him for my being alive. HE is the reason I am still breathing and walking amongst the living today. No matter how many times I have attempted suicide, harmed myself or talked down to myself, I can always count on Errol Anthony for a good word and positive boost in my moral!
During my 20s, I met who I thought was the love of my whole life. He was my ideal mate- extremely tall, quiet (I’m LOUD haha), educated, communicative, and Black. I thought I had it all – Leasing Consultant at a beautiful property, wonderful flat and boyfriend who “loved me”. Those years up until 29 were rough- I suffered 2 miscarriages, dealt with cheating, side children and depression sprinkled with a ton of anxiety. I went to work and totally flipped out and wound up checking into a mental hospital where I was sedated for 3 days. That was March 2016. During and after all of these events that happened to me, no one checked up on me. No one seemed to care or even notice that I was a mental waste basket that didn’t even want to exist. Now to be fair, I had always struggled being intimate and emotionally open with a man and my friends, and the one I did open up to in that manner with betrayed me and ripped me the core. Every fiber of my being was destroyed and raw. I left him and our apartment. That was April 2017.
How did I make it through? I turned 30 years old June of 2017. I made several promises to myself that I would NEVER, ever allow ANY man, friend, family member or job disturb my mental peace. July 2017, I packed up my car and gave my dad a long hug and a kiss and told him I needed a mental break. I drove. I drove all the way to Virginia! I never been there before and literally two weeks later, Hurricane Harvey destroyed my home city of Houston. To me that natural disaster was a sign from the universe that although shit was rough, there was a better life for me elsewhere. NO matter the circumstances in my personal relationships or at work – NOTHING takes precedent over my mental well-being.
Meditations for 15 minutes when I wake up is a must! I journal often, make lists and goal set. I am deeply into astrology (GEMINI squad!) and my spirituality – NOT religion and am learning more about the beliefs of my Caribbean ancestors. I take self-care serious as I often get my nails done, facials and travel a lot! I don’t care if it is only for 2 days – I get in my car and DRIVE. Driving long distances is part of my on-going self-care. It eases my mind and takes me “away” from people, problems and pain.
Mental health has long been a taboo topic within the Caribbean and Black communities. We are told as Black women to be strong, hide our emotions, fall back and let a man take the lead. I say HELL NO to that shit! We are capable of being sincere, loving, caring and nurturing beings just as much as anyone else. No, I am not “cured” from my emotional sensitivities, but I am active with therapy, constant love from those FEW who do care about me and my self-awareness at now 32 is on point! I am currently in a new city, new position and I am extremely happy with how far I have come. I look forward to my continued growth and my journey throughout this life. Until next time,